Friday, May 7, 2010

Week 37

Tuesday morning Savannah left for a 4-day school trip. They’re studying the environment at a school camp. It’s an exciting trip for her, but I’m missing her like crazy. I still feel like I was the reason she had to get stitches and I want to smother her in affection. I probably won’t be over these guilty feelings for a long time considering I still feel pangs when I think about the tooth I helped her chip when she was 4. That was 7 years ago. I tend to hang on to things.

All week I’ve stopped and watched the pictures flash across our computer screen: Savannah with her new glasses, Sarah & Savannah on the swing, me holding Savannah as a newborn. These pictures, mixed with the pending birth of our third child, has me thinking about her birth and the absolute magic I felt our first night together.

My doctor induced me 3 days after my due date. Once he broke my water around 1:00 that afternoon it was full force ahead and Pat and I had our first daughter at 7:52 that evening. My sister Valarie was in the room with us while her husband and daughter and my mother waited in the hallway. I’ll never forget the door opening after Savannah was delivered. I still had my legs up while the doctor was taking care of things. I looked out into the hallway and there sat my brother-in-law Rick and my niece Eva, who was then 10. Their eyes were huge. I don’t know if it was more of a fear of the noises that had come out of that room, or if it was more, “Oh my God, I can see her xxx.”

While I laid there with my legs hiked in the air scarring my niece for life, Pat experienced his own bit of magic. They were cleaning Savannah up on the warming table and she was wailing. Pat kept looking over at her. I could tell he wanted to be with her, but felt he should stay with me until the doctor was done. I told him to go to her. The hard part was over. He walked over to the screaming baby, leaned down close to her ear and said ever so softly, “Hi, Savannah. It’s Daddy.” She stopped crying that very moment. Her protector was there. Maybe it was appropriate that he was the one to pick her up from school last week when she fell. Sometimes there’s nothing better than the presence and the loving words from your Daddy.

That didn’t work. I still feel guilty.

Pat slept at home that night, and I was really nervous about being alone with Savannah for the first time. She stayed in the nursery for the first few hours while I slept and then sometime in the middle of the night I woke to a knock on the door and they wheeled her into the room to eat. Her red fuzz covered head was facing me. At just a few hours old she moved around until she could get her head back and look at me as they brought her closer. We locked eyes and the sparks flew. I didn’t want her to leave my side again after that moment. And that includes this week while she’s away studying nature with her fifth grade class.

I can’t fathom how it’s possible to have this amount of love for a being. I literally feel an ache for a little bit when I remember that she’s not in her room reading, or getting ready to ask if she can play Wii.

And to think that love spread to include another one. And soon it will expand again and envelope yet another little one. Love is a miraculous thing, isn’t it? Pure magic.

3 weeks to go!


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