Letter to Pace

Dear Pace,

You turn 5 months old today. It’s going so fast. Too fast really, considering you’re my last.



Honestly, I’m a little sad and relieved at the same time. I’m getting too old for the late nights and early mornings, but I’ve loved watching your sisters bond with you. Each in her own way.

I’ve always known that your oldest sister, Savannah, has a kindness about her. A warmth that can settle your soul. When I’m not around she’s the one who can calm you when nothing else seems to help. She holds you tenderly and rocks you while speaking in a soothing voice. If I or your father need someone to take care of you for a while, she’s right there. When you’re older and you need someone to talk to or just sit with for a reprieve during rough times, Savannah will be the one to call. She’ll be your rock through life.

And there’s Sarah. Before you came home from the hospital I worried that she would have a jealous streak. Some of the attention she was used to getting would be given to you, and believe me she LOVES the attention. You’ll discover that. But Sarah showed an immediate interest in you and has grown to love you fiercely. And I do mean fiercely. She gets right in your face and sweetly says, “Ah-goo” a few times and then she shakes with such an intensity. I don’t think she knows what to do with the strong feelings she has. She may wear you out, always on the go and craving the spotlight, but you’ll never doubt her love for you.

I pray that the three of you will be a tight unit, able to help each other, laugh and cry with each other, and keep the family bond intact. Encourage each other to work toward your dreams.



And always remember…

Mom loves you.

P.S. So does Dad.

The Many Faces of Pace

Pace has become a very complex person in his old age. He goes through a wide range of emotions whenever I have to wake him.

I know, I know. You should never wake a sleeping baby, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Like when you’re running late for work, AND your office is right next to your boss, AND you still need to feed the baby before you can walk out the door, as in this morning. It was a very harried morning.

But back to the subject…

When I lay Pace down on the changing table he likes to show his range of emotions. He goes from frustration to confusion to pure happiness.

First he furrows his brow, rubs his fists all over his face, and stares me down.

“Dude, what’s the big deal? I was sleeping, man.”

Then he lifts his eyebrows.

“Wait a minute. Where am I? Who are you and what are you doing to my pee pee?”

And then comes my favorite part. A grin spreads across his face and turns into a huge, open-mouthed smile.

“I know you! You’re Mommy....Dairy Queen....The Boob.

FEED ME!”

He’s three months old and he’s already acting like a teenager. Jeez!

A Word

Pace asked me to pass a message on to everyone....



"Ah-goo," spoken with a little drool.

His vocabulary's a little limited.

Confession of a Bad Mother

We all know I have parenting…issues, shall we say?

I don’t watch my mouth much. My two-year-old’s cussing can attest to that. I do have one good thing to report, though. She’s stopped saying shit. Although she did say dammit yesterday. Hmmm…not much better.

I also don’t pay much attention to my kids, seeing as how my tween fell and split her head open just seconds after I dropped her off to school LATE and hauled ass out of the parking lot.

I've come to accept that I'm not your average, good natured, attentive, saintly mother. I mean, sometimes I give my kids gummies for a serving of fruit. Oh stop your sneering. Welch's gummies are made from real fruit. It says so on the box.

Anyway, I follow the blog of a woman who had her son two weeks before I had Pace. He's cute as can be. She appears to be big on swaddling. This lady even swaddles her son on the beach!



I just let Pace hang out; arms dangling, legs hanging. I also heard you're supposed to watch the neck, but I figure what the heck. I bet it feels good to roll all around like that and let it pop back from time-to-time. (You know I'm kidding, right?)

My babies have all felt so warm I've actually been afraid to swaddle them. Not to mention the claustrophobia they must feel with their arms tied down by their sides.





I feel your pain, son.

I was told about a book called “The Happiest Baby on the Block” by Dr. Harvey Karp, which I obviously haven’t read since bad mothers don’t read books like that. According to him swaddling is key to having a happy baby.

Pace… the unswaddled baby…the boy who has never spent a day swaddled…the one with the clueless, unattentive mother...looks pretty happy to me.



Look at him hanging all out there. Be free, my son! Be free!

Erased Memories

I had a scare this morning. Pat called to tell me our desktop computer at home crashed. This is the computer that houses Pat’s music for his students, my various writing trials, and most importantly, pictures of our kids.

I’ve been working to back up these photographs, but I haven’t made it all the way through yet. And the really sad thing is that this happened to us previously. The hard drive crashed and took Savannah’s first and second grade years into a black hole with it. Why the hell do I not back up my photos on a daily basis?

Maybe it was the fatigue or the rough weekend I'm still trying to get over, but the thought of losing all those pictures broke me. The tears streamed while I quietly cried into a napkin trying to keep my co-workers from hearing my sobs.

Thankfully, Pat called back in a little while with the good news that he was able to turn the computer on again. “Don’t touch it!” I barked as I dried my tears. I want everyone’s hands off of it until I can get home this evening and get those photos saved elsewhere.

We’re talking about this one…



And this one…



Oh! And this one…



Yes, memories stay with us in our hearts and minds, but there’s something about viewing them on the screen or holding them in your hands. Seeing the light in the eyes, or just how the hair curled, or how the hand rested on my shoulder, brings it all back so much more vividly.

And warms my heart just like this one that sits beside me at work for those days when I miss my kids so much it hurts.

He’s Definitely a Boy

Pace will grunt and grunt and roll himself into a ball while grunting and then there’s a long, loud….

**FART**

Then he smirks.



Yep, he’s definitely a boy

Seven Weeks

Pace turned 7 weeks old yesterday.



He’s smiling now and trying to coo. Sometimes he’s successful.



My little man is growing up and it’s going way too fast.

Pretty soon it will be the first day of school

And then we’ll be going to his football games…

or baseball…

or basketball…

or maybe to watch him dance???

Just kidding, Pat.

Then he’ll be leaving for college and Pat and I will have a lonely, quiet, empty house since Pace will most likely be the last to go.

*sigh*

And I go back to work this Monday. The time has gone way too soon.

Does someone know how to stop time for a while?

Six Week Gift

Pace is six weeks old today and last night he decided to give me a gift. He's already such a good boy - giving his mother a gift instead of expecting one from her.

Last night at dinner.....he SMILED at me. A big, beautiful smile. It was brief but it took my breath away. I actually clutched my chest.

And he did it again this morning after I fed him. See, I told you he was a good boy. Thanking his mother for giving him such a delicious, nutritious breakfast

Have I already told you I'm in love?

Pace is 4 Weeks Old....

...and I'm still tired.



He's a good baby, though. Except he's started having crying periods in the evenings, which can be trying for all of us. But it gives us a good excuse to go get some ice cream since driving in the car quiets him down.


Pat is such a proud daddy.



And the girls are so sweet with him and happy to have a little brother. They're the new 3 Musketeers!



I told you I was tired. I'm just throwing together random items and photos and calling them a blog entry. At least I'm speaking a little more clearly now instead of just....Rassa frap doh, man!

One Week

Pace is now one week old. Ok…one week old plus one day. I didn’t get this post up yesterday like I planned.

His umbilical stump fell off yesterday. We made that discovery after we returned home from lunch out and some grocery shopping. I was changing his diaper and saw his belly button free and clear. I couldn’t find the stump, though. I looked at Pat and asked, “What if it fell through the bottom of his onesie in the grocery store?” Simultaneously, we both stole a phrase from Sarah….

“Ewwww!!”

I could just see this little black stump being kicked around in the dairy department. Or worse, by the bagels hidden among the fallen poppy seeds. I’ll stop before I get really gross.

Pat found it lurking among the folds of the onesie and we both breathed a sigh of relief.

On another note, I’ve started reading Anne Lamott’s “Operating Instructions.” This makes my third time through as I also read it when both of my girls were infants. It’s a journal of her son’s first year. It’s hilarious, sad at times, and completely validating. She’s honest about how it feels when the baby won’t stop crying or nursing, or sleep for the fifth night in a row.

Pace has kept me up until 3:00 in the morning for two nights now. I’m exhausted….

and completely in love.

Meet Pace

More later...